Here and Now

Autumn Fractal  by rcw

November...back east the leaves have been turning for a while, they're probably all brown and falling by now.
I remember raking them into huge piles then taking a flying leap into the middle of them, breathing in that wonderful almost tea-like aroma....

Sometimes I miss it so bad it hurts.
Gee...where'd that come from?  Okay....that was a bit of a surprise.
This stream-of-consciousness writing can be very revealing, especially to the writer.  So we'll ask the big question, bring it out in the open.

Do I ever wish I'd stayed back there? 

In all honesty, sometimes yes.
Hmmmmm.....after thirty-plus years of  California living, I'm going to admit to home sickness?  I've lived longer out here than all my years back home.  Those last few years back there were extremely difficult; struggling with mental illness, drinking, feeling like life had nothing to offer.  No...I don't think so.

What I do miss are the things that make a family a family...the births, celebrations and traditions....the shared jokes and sorrows, the people, picnics and camping trips...the "fizzies parties" (our name for jam sessions).
Those are the things I miss.

Sometimes I play that "what if" game, imagining different scenarios like being a wife and mother...inviting the parents and family to our house for one of the holiday food festivals...chatting in the kitchen with the brothers' wives, Mom, my sister and the other female relations....sometimes these Norman Rockwellian snippets make me cry because it all seems so....comforting.

Could I have pulled it off? Dunno. Back then I was so crazy I feared friends and family being in my company.




Perhaps life might have gotten easier, once I found proper psychiatric care....but I wasn't given that choice. Circumstances presented themselves so that I had to leave. Apparently my life in California was meant to be.

So I'm not going to beat my brains out, pining away for a life that wasn't meant to be.  I can acknowledge, freely, that parts of me would have taken to domesticity like a fish to water....I can acknowledge that it would have been great to have had a big, huge, noisy family nearby for when times got rough.  And in truth, the times I've needed help they've managed to rally to help so I've never been completely isolated from them.

But what ever the reason, California has been my destiny since a very young age and I am grateful for the life I've led.  It's not been perfect, but it has been real.

So for today, Fifty Five Is The New Here and Now....because here and now is where I am and yesterday is a page already turned.

Alzheimer's Ambush

Alzheimers....it's effected members of my family through the years.  

Hard to watch, harder still to be in close proximity, having a loved one go through it.....I can only imagine how it must be for those suffering in its clutches. Until their mind is totally gone, there are lucid moments when I'm sure they must wonder what's going on.

It's hard, because you want to help, but at the same time you don't want to make the person feel like they are going crazy, or that they are incapable of things....but there's quite a balancing act going on, because they are losing their abilities.  How does one handle the disease and maintaining the sufferer's dignity at the same time?

At the Labyrinth....Santa Fe NM 

There are hundreds of books, websites and so on....they give answers, and they do help. But at the same time....does anything really truly help?

This disease seems to run on my mother's side of the family, and there's a fairly good chance that at least one of us remaining kids will have it, too. That's a pretty frightening thought.  If it hits me, I hope I have enough sense to get my things in order and take myself out rather than have others suffer.  But that' only for me...that's my personal preference.  I'm not saying anyone else should follow my way. If any of my family members get it, I hope to be there for them in what ever capacity is desired and appropriate.

Tonight, I go to sleep with thoughts of my relative who's in the mid-stages of that Long Goodbye.
Thinking of them...hoping for them....praying for their comfort and safety. I hope to get back east to see them soon....

So for now Fifty Five Is the New Alzheimer's Ambush....praying some day for a cure.

Venture

Tiles by rcw

We went and did something perhaps totally insane...but then again it's something that will be beneficial to what Jack and I are trying to accomplish.  We went to a seminar about internet marketing strategies and they were very informative. We signed up for a class and then when we got there learned a lot more.

What the company offered was not just these classes, apparently they also offered software and help getting set up and more.  But the price!  Jack and I talked it over and decided to give it a try....knees knocking while (once again) signing my life on a dotted line. $6,000!  In monthly payments of $265. (no penalty for early payment)

.On the one hand, we have no business spending that kind of money (have I indicated that we are among the struggling-poor?) when the economy and all that blah, blah, blah.
On the other hand, we have been trying to get our music, my artwork and Jack's ideas up online and shared with the world.....we've dreamed of being able to make a living doing that.  This knowledge and the tools and software help make it possible.

So we took a leap of faith and are now learning all about internet marketing, getting one's website up high on the search engine pages and elsewhere, and drop shipping. I believe it's going to be beneficial. I'm going to be doing a lot of "homework" for a few days, learning all this-and have a feeling the Tech Support folks and I will be getting to know one another as we get things set up.

I'm getting fairly sleepy now. Been a busy day. I just baked four apple/orange cranberry pies after a morning at the SSI office and an afternoon of home work.  It's very late and I am finally tired so will put any worries on the back burner and let the Maker of all take care of things.

So for tonight, Fifty five Is the New Venture...starting out with some new tools under our belts and big dreams in our hearts.

UPDATE:  We were unable to get our business corporation set up, due to our lack of funds...so the StoresOnline people agreed to let us out of our contract.  I will sing their praises about their fair treatment of us to anyone who has any questions.    RCW 12/2010

Fifty Five

Moon Fractal  by rcw

Today just feels like today...in a good way, mind you.  I just feel my age.
And there's really nothing wrong with that; in some circles feeling one's age is just about normal.
Maybe it has something to do with the elections, or the computer class Jack and I attended, or maybe it was just the angle of the sun as it hit through our window this morning.

Anyway, first things first. These were mid-term elections....contended seats included governors, lieutenant governors, senators, congress persons and the like. The mainstream Republicans were trying to oust the Democrats, the Progressive Democrats were trying to hold on to their perspective seats, the Independents (along with the Disenfranchised from all political ilk) began having Tea Parties.

The results, as of this writing, are still coming in. It appears there are a few changes in Congress, including a change in the Speaker of the House....from Pelosi to Boehner. There were a few Democratic victories, including Jerry Brown's bid for Governor of California. On the whole it should be an interesting mix.

We'll see.

I offer a silent prayer for all of them. Leadership is not easy.
May they be guided by all that is holy and good, so that they conduct themselves as spiritually enlightened, morally responsible public servants.

May the Holy Spirit of Peace and the Healing Power of Love abide and grow in the Hearts and the Minds of All....Amen.

So for today, Fifty Five is the New Fifty Five....because it is what it is!

Oatmeal as a delivery system

Cooking is a passion of mine.  I like to try recipes, watch cooking shows and demonstrations, and invent my own gastronomic creations.

I believe cooking is more than making food to shove down a throat....much more!  Cooking is about creating flavors and sensations, experiences and memories....at least it should be about some of that. The food should nourish body, mind and spirit.

One of my recipes is a good example of that; healthy and at the same time satisfying all the things a person anticipates when they introduce something edible to their body.

OATMEAL PLUS COOKIES

Preheat oven to 350 degrees

4 Sticks butter or margarine softened, 4 eggs beaten, 1/2 cup peanut butter (creamy or crunchy), 2 1/2 cups firm packed dark brown sugar, 2 tsp vanilla, 3 c flour (whole wheat - 2c white flour - 1 c), 6 cups rolled oats, 2 tsp baking soda, 2 tsp cinnamon, 1 tsp cloves, 1 tsp dried ginger, 2 c raisins or other dried fruit, chips (chocolate, butterscotch, peanut butter, white chocolate or combination)

Blend sugar, butter 'til creamy.  Add peanut butter, blend some more. Add eggs and vanilla, beat well. Combine flours, Baking Soda, spices, stir into sugar/butter mixture, add remaining ingredients. Spoon or hand-roll and place 1-2 inches apart on slightly greased cookie sheet. Bake for 10 to 13 minutes. Cool on rack completely before storing.

Healthy, tasty, and easy to make.   Batter can be made ahead of time, rolled in wax paper and kept in the freezer for those times when you just want to slice off some batter and bake some cookies.  Defrost it first to insure even cooking.

Anyway, that's an example of my recipe writing skill.  Somebody give it a try and let me know what you think,
So for today, Fifty Five Is The New Oatmeal as a delivery system....healthy snacking = healthy life.

Decision

"Meet the new boss, same as the old boss." The elections are in town again!  All around the country, people are going out to vote. I wonder what will happen.
Republicans are no better than Democrats, Independents are all over the place, Socialists are...well...socialists and everybody is trying to figure out which is going to be the lesser of evils.

Shouldn't that statement in and of itself indicate there's something wrong?
Why should we have to decide between any evils at all?

I have a problem with people too much to the "right," as well as those too far to the "left." 
I have a problem with anybody who tries to make decisions for me when I am quite capable of making them for myself.  If I wish to go to hell for my lifestyle or reproductive rights or anything else it's my own damn business!

Government doesn't belong in that arena.  Government belongs in a finite area of the lives of the citizenry and no further.  The governed have a right, and a responsibility, to make the government call off its dogs and take its jack-booted heel from off our throats. Or we have the obligatory duty to remove the offending appendage ourselves.

I am not in favor of violence.  I believe there are other ways to take care of our business.  Gandhi, King, Christ, the Dali Lama....these examples show a way to use great power without bloodshed.
Okay...okay...Jesus did get crucified, Gandhi got shot as did King...the Dali Lama was forced to flee his homeland and lives under constant threat; I never said the gig would be easy!

I believe we have good changes ahead...hard times, lots of lessons, some bumps and bruises along the way, no denial there. But we humans are a resilient bunch. We want to survive. There's just something in our wiring that sets off alarms and flashing lights when we get too close to the edge.

Mind you, we've never been quite this close before.

But we do have that instinct and it is kicking in.

The elections tomorrow will cause a shift....a change in how the country is conducting itself both locally and globally.

My prayer is that we can arrive at a point where all people are respected; that we arrive at a place where we see our country as worthwhile and worthy of the greatness bestowed upon it at its birth...
That we can pull our Constitution out from beneath the rubble thrown on top of it through the years,  and restore it to its place of honor as the law of the land.

So for today, Fifty Five Is The New Decision...a heavy one to make, but one we have to make if we want the country to go in the direction we desire.

Reflections of friendship

Diane, my friend

Today reminds me of Diane....Halloween was one of her favorite holidays.
Christmas was number one, that's true.  But she absolutely loved autumn with its leaves turning colors and crunching beneath her feet....the jack-o-lanterns and costumes, the nip in the air.

I miss her, miss our friendship.  We used to make a big thing of  Halloween and Christmas; decorating the our apartment (and ourselves) and either hosting or going to parties. Diane could be a lot of fun, and usually got the attention of a few fellows when she walked in a room.  I was the ugly duckling...for a long time gratefully so. My brain was scrambled enough without adding romance into the mix.

Diane was an incredible person, a gifted artist and a wise, patient friend at a time when no one else seemed to care.  Diane's pioneer spirit and love for adventure were never more keen than when we left Philly.  Her courage, knowing my mental condition at the time, was exemplary...luckily for me, courage based in faith knows no bounds.

We weren't trying to erase our past....we just wanted to loosen the shackles that we felt were holding us back.  Little did we know at the time that most of those chains were of our own making.  That lesson took years, and in truth I'm still learning it.

Together we took on the unknown; certain of only one thing....boom or bust it was up to us.  Somehow we managed to carve out our own little niches in this crazy world.  For a long time we were roommates as well as friends, but even after we went our separate ways in 1991 we remained friends. 

Diane was diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer in 1997 and fought the disease all the way up to her final day, April 3, 2008.  The battle she fought was hard and focused.  She changed her diet, worked more on meditation, insisted on filtered water, tried every kind of chemotheraphy....her chemo doctor started calling her the "EverReady Bunny" because each time the cancer tried to attack a new location, she fought it ruthlessly and unrelentingly...refusing to acknowledge death, let alone accept it.

Some of this refusal was courage, a lot of it was a strange form of denial...she was good at denial, but who am I to judge?  Hey! She stood by me during my bout with non-linear reality, so fair is fair!  Besides, she was my best friend.

We had a lot of fun together, us and our buddies Janie and T.   We met Janie in Venice when we moved down from San Francisco in 1983 and stayed in touch through the years. We met T when we moved back to San Francisco in 1990 and she's been part of the family ever since. 

We helped each other through our dear friend Diane's illness and death....we shared memories and mourned together through phone calls and visits. Janie and T have stayed in my life since Diane's passing, and I'm so very grateful for that.  Janie wants to move to San Francisco, it would be good to have her closer. T is just across the bay and we visit often as possible.


For today, Fifty Five Is the New Reflections of Friendship....thinking about my many blessings from heaven.